The Uruguay Journal

I stole this red pen from a cup on the desk back at home. It sucks. Why couldn't I lost this one at the airport instead of my nice black one? Oh well, I should have brought various things with me to Uruguay, that for some reason, I thought I should better leave at home. I'll just use this Duty Free catalogue to write down my random thoughts. Today I'd like to make myself a reminder for future travels: When shopping, always check out the little decorative travel-sized soaps. They are a great comfort and perhaps company while far away from home. Also, TAMMY, you are a total IDIOT for not bringing any notebook to write in. DOH@ You know how addicted you are to writing - why didn't you bring something to write in?! My lips and skin are dry and now I wish I would have brought my blistex with me. At least I brought a good lotion.

Okay, I'm sick of myself now. Goodnight, Tammy.

[Edit: New entries are depicted by 3 stars.]

***

Today, hmm... I can't seem to think of anything good to write. Except that maybe I miss my computer.

Gloves would have been nice for the bike ride to the the Eagle today... but I survived without them. I've been eating better since I've been here which will probably be a nice influence on the diet and exercise I'll subject myself too the rest of this summer. I DON'T intend on living the same pathetic life in college, that I lived in high school. Eugh! I'm glad it's over beause I think I'm beginning to feel a little more clear-headed. Uruguay has changed since I was last here... the people have changed; that's sad. The people Uruguay were what I loved so much about it. The land, as well. now it's run down, poorer, in a depression. It makes me appreciate my home in the U.S.

***

I promised Erica that I'd take pics for her and I haven't taken any. I know I'm off subject but what I REALLY miss is writing. I really should have brought a notebook. This summer I got a few goals I want to accomplish. First, I want to re-do my room so that it will be more comfortable and practical for college. Second, I want to get healthier to that physically and mentally I'll feel better. This past year in high school has been (now that I've thought about it) BY FAR THE WORST SCHOOL YEAR OF MY LIFE! Even worse that third grade, which was pretty bad too. I could probably write a book about it and get rich off of future generation adolescents. Life the author of Catcher in the Rye did... For my room I definitely want to repaint it... but in what colors? And I wanna get one of those light pictures you hang on the wall. Some plants... an air purifier... it should be my haven. I would love to remodel and have another window on the other wall but that would cost too much. Eh, I'm getting tired now... and I miss Ale. Goodnight again.

***

I never thought I'd like my sweats as muchas I do now. Aah how warm and cozy they are. But Damn how I miss my notebook. Let's see if I find a page that's kinda plain so I can make a list of comfort items for myself the next time I travel - especially to a cold place. Nope, they're all pretty much the same.

• 2 toothbrushes and flosses
• perfume
• hair styling products
• make up
• more warm clothes
• more clothes in general haha

***

Bah! I already finished my book and I've still got a whole week ahead of me... That will teach me to travel with only one book. I've got lots of books I haven't fully read or have not read at all in my bookshelf. This summer I'll have to read them. Urrrgh, I've a persistent itch on my left leg. I'll blame the cold for it. I love this Nightwish CD I made. The songs are so beautiful. "Oh how I wish to go down with the sun, sleeping, weeping with you..." That's from the song "Sleeping Sun."

***

I miss the warm summer weather of California. However, I don't miss the mucky atmosphere. It makes me wan't to exercise and werar fashionable clothing. Knowing myself though, I'll proby have not achieved any of the goals I've set for myself by the end of August. Oh August 30, my classes will start at OCC. Although I love writing, science and math cause me far less stress. So I'm pretty sure I'll end up majoring in something scientific. I can always write on my own.

***

Hmm, how should I decorate my room? I need and inspiration; some pictureds from which I can pluck color schemes and mimic patterns. or I could just start by thinking of something I like - Asian things, like the stuff that is describe in Memoirs of a Geisha. The beautiful materials and patterns. But hmm that will be very difficult because I don't have the book with me, soo...

I like the icture on the back of this pamphlet. It looks very natural and fresh. Like early morning fog on the moors. Eh, I dunno, it sounds like what I really want to do is turn my bedroom into a garden, far away from Santa Ana and all it's shit. So, maybe I should work in the garden? I'd be sure to get lots of sunight and fresh air everyday. But... I'd need to actually picture it. Plus it'd be very expensive and I don't have a job. I wan't my nail polish and I wan't countless other things I'm sure i wouldn't even use if I had. The only things I'd probably actually use are a notebook and some clay (for my hands, to keep them warm).

***

Know what? I'm glad there's only one week let. How sad, i used to love being here but now, i dunno why, I don't. Maybe I'm just not myself cuz I didn't sleep well at all last night due to some mysterious stomach pains. "I need a new identity." I gotta get rid of this pamphlet before someone finds it and reads it... Sleepy, agitated me. I've got the summer to create that "new identity" for myself. The weather is not good today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

***

Shit I'm running out of space in this thing.

***

Those teenage magazines and books that say to get help if you think you need it are a bunch of bullshit. I think a lot of people who go into the field of psychology only do it because they think they need a shrink. And by cecoming a psychologist they can cure themselves of whatever mental ailment it is that plagues them. To be honest, that would be my reason if I ever decided to study it, but I won't. The idea of even doing that pisses me off. I'm not exactly surew hy but I'd rather not try and figure it out either.

***

Hello World,

I am sick of you now.

Sincerely,

Tammy

***

This window sucks. It is so squeaky, it hurts my ears.

***

I'm kinda hungry I supposed I should just go to sleep and try to gorget about it but I don't want to. I can't even see what I am writing because I took off my glasses. Oh well, my hand knows how to make out each word so i am fine. I shoudl have brought a pencil with me...

***

Election day. Cars honking down the street. 11.30 pm. Weird. Yup, that's very interesting, I know. Now, goodnight.

***

It'd be nice to be able to write.

***

"On a special day, what is most remembered, immortalized, is not how you felt, but what you did." Well, today is Tuesday, I think. I can't seem to keep track of the days. It is the their night that I am sick with SOMETHING, I dunno what, but hopefully these stomach pains will go away soon. It sucks to be sick in Uruguay. Somehow I manage to get sick when I should be having a good time. Oh, and it's also the first time in, years, I guess, that I puke. Great, huh?

***

Dreams are plaguing me. Just now I woke up from a dream where I could not see well through the glasses that I see perfectly through in real life. Also, as I walked down the street and came to the intersection of Bristol and Central, I noticed the traffic lights had 3 colors... but not the 3 colors I was expecting. There were res and yellow, those where normal but there was also purple. No green. So when the light turned green I wasn't sure if I should go or not. Luis was in my dream and was acting usunailly nice to me. it was prom night and the driver, one of Luis's friends, took off without me in the parking lot. They took off IN MY CAR! URGH THAT PISSED ME OFF. Let me just say that high schoolers are WEIRD.

***

Thank God we were on our way back home and we were pretty close to home already. We drove around Montevideo all day and around 5.00pm, with the truck loaded full of shit (furniture, groceries, etc.), the motor started talking to us rather loudly. Pop, Pop, Pop. A noisy noise it was making. Even the guy at a store halfway down the block hear it. Edith asked im is she could use the phone and call for a tow truck. The truck did come and Edith and I were going to tak ethe bus, but at the last minute we diceid not to. Dad and Grandpa rode with the drive of the tow truck and Edith and I crouched down and rode in the backseat of our broken down dtuck, illegally haha. heh, in the U.S. I would never be found doing that. Rules and all... It was a nice ride anyway.

***

Friday, Mightnight - Duh, stupid stomach! Must you always put me in pain in the middle of the night?! This is the 4th time I've had an episode of I-don't-know-what. It's a pain, a feeling somehwere between a spasm and heartburn. usually it last a coupel or hours, slowly increasing in intensity and decreasing in intensity equally as fast. It hits me right in the solar plexus (as Enrico Brizzi puts it ;) and I can fell it thought to my back. Today was the worst. It was so bad I couldn't breathe normally, I felt dizzy, and I was shaking a little. I think it's something I ate in the saldad or a combination of those somethings in the salad. No more sald for me at all. It never happened before. Maybe I just recently developed an alergy? Who knows?

***

Instead of throwng this thing away so that nooon will read it, I think I'll rewrite all the stuff I wrote in a cheep little notebook to keep as a memory. it hasn't been the nicest vacation, but at least I have the memoreis recoreded so I can look back and smile upon them in the future.

***

Saturday - it's late and tomorrow I leave to go back to California. I'm going to be nice and sleepy on the plane. It seems as if a sotrm is brewing up, from the way the waves are breaking on the beach. Hopefully the glight will be fine. Yea, now I don't want to leave, it's too soon.

***

The Stories: "The Selfish Giant" by Oscar Wilde, "The Vision of Mirzah" by Joseph Addison, "An Alpine Divorce" by Robert Barr, "A Desperate Adventure" by Max Adeler, "The Paradise of Children" by Nathaniel Hawthorne

The List:

• scarf
• gloves
• chapstick
• hat
• lotion
• slippers
• clay
• books
• journal
• perfume
• good soap

At Last!

Oh my god, it took forever to write that last entry in here but I am glad I did. Now I can carry it with me. Next I will copy into here my Uruguay Journal. I doubt I will copy those short stories in here though, they are too long and , plus, they are not mine.

I received a reply email about the Winter Session in Italy. I'm so happy somebody finally answered my questions and is supportive of my wanting to do this. I guess I'm gonna have to fight for what I want cuz I am almost completely sure dad will not support this decision. Soon I'll have to send in the application plus $250 for the fee and then go to the orientation to get more information.

Well, the next thing in here will be the Uruguay Journal. It's a bit long but at least it is my own heh. So here goes another couple days of writing...

Link to Article:

http://gos.sbc.edu/k/khouri.html

Reminder to Self:

Find the stories that you listed in the Uruguay Journal and copy them in here.

I found that inspiring article on the net again... wow its really long. I guess I'll break it up into peices as I copy. Heh... this is gonna take a while, here it goes.

A Random Thought

If a kid can be cured of Bubble Boy Syndrome by giving him a stem cell transplant, maybe a perosn with AIDS or HIV can be crued of his disease by performing on him the same procedure.

Okay, Sometimes I Have To Be Nice To Myself

I have to admit that I think there are a few nice things about me. Firstly and most importantly, I am a good person. I care about others and try to always do the "right thing" (whatever that may be). I do things based on my own moral principles, not because I think I'll go to heaven for living a clean, sin-free life. I don't need religion to hold me together - I am capable on my own. Second, even if I am over weight and have stubborn, persistent (and evil) acne, I am pretty. Fortunately I have a fairly proportional frame, good coloring in my eyes, hair and skin - and I am creative and artistic just enough to be able to bring out the best of me (when I feel like it). I am smart and have big potential for my future. Though high school was a moderately shitty ordeal, I am allowed to make mistakes... and high school was definitely one of them. I can improve my study habits. I can become a more proficient reader and writer. I cannot predict or control the future but I will do my part to make college a better experience than high school. And even if I don't enjoy every year of college, I will try to enjoy it more than I have any other school. Here is a list of things I want to do in college (I won't promise just because the opportunities may not always be there for me to do them.):

• Study abroad at least once even if my parents object.
• Go to Uruguay during some vacation time.
• Take classes that really interest me (hint: CREATIVE WRITING!)
• make new friends that are REAL friends.
• Change myself if there is something I am not happy about.
• And most of all, ENJOY MY LIFE.

It's okay to make mistakes. I have the power to keep trying even if I run into obstacles.

The other day I found an article written by a feminist containing really inspiring (to me at least) advice. Maybe sometime I'll copy it into here when I am not so sleepy (like right now) and have a lot of time. It inspired me and left me feeling that way for days. Not a lot of things can do that for me. So when I find them I know they are special. The best part was when the author explained the importance of being nice to yourself (the whole point of this entry). It's been the best advice I've heard in a long time. I will copy it into here because this journal is meant to help me battle and conquer depression. I am my own ruler and I will win this fight. Plus, I know I am already starting to heal, I can feel it. I am happy for myself. I am happy that I am feeling better. I am happy to finally be feeling happy again.

Fucking Shit

I'm looking at my college's website and I see that the math and English classes I need are almost all closed. There are only like 1 or 2 remaining seats. Today is the 8th and my ORIENTATION appointment is on the 17th. At this rate I'll have to take all fun, but unnecessary classes this fall. I should look at this as an opportunity to enjoy my life for once. There is a class on pilot training that's still wide open. I'm very interested in it.

Ooo Study Abroad :) I haven't thought about this for a while but the OCC website still had it posted in the Study Abroad section. Hmm I'll have to look into this. Later though.

The Dream That Left Me Stumped

I had this dream last night. I think I have had the same dream before, or maybe a similar one. I'm not sure what the point of it was but there was stuff about some people I know and school. There were two prominent people: a good friend of mine, and a guy that I don't know very well but dislike for no good reason. First of all, this school was not actually my school, it was a mall building that somehow my mind classified as a place of education O.o In this school I was looking for a good book to read at the library but every single one was... disturbing, I guess. They all had a color scheme of black and blue with some gothish looking pictures of what I assume were supposed to look like dead people. The writing was horribly unprofessional, not something you'd expect to find in a school library. It was sloppy, misspelled, had grammatical errors, curse words, etc. But the worst of it was the criticizing of the teachers in schools (which shouldn't have surprised me cuz the teachers had this zombie appearance, they looked down, very washed out. I could see they payed no attention to personal grooming, they slouched and stared into empty space with blank expressions on their faces. At least the students seemed to be the upside of the school's population with their enthusiasm and lively faces.) After searching through the collection of incredibly stupid books I gave up and went outside to get some fresh air. Outside I found the two people I mentioned earlier. The one who was a good friend, I have not actually seen in real life. I've know him over the net for years. The other one, I went to school with (in real life) and disliked him for following the crowd. To me it seemed like he only lived for his stupid fashion and popularity. In reality I should not judge either of them since I don't really know them all that well. Anyway I started talking to them and after a few minutes I began to find a surprising acceptance for this popular guy. My good friend was not one of the lively young people in school. He seemed a bit dragged down in that dark world too, like the teachers but not so much. After some time I noticed a rope that was tied and hanging from a tree. I decided to take a swing on it for a bit of fun. The two guys grabbed a hold of me at once so we could all swing together. As I walked back a few steps and lifted my feet from the ground the popular one let go out of fear. My friend and I continued on through the swing. I was surprised and asked him why he didn't let go like the other guy and he replied with "I trust you and I'd never let go." Returning my feet to solid ground, I thought about what he'd said to me and felt a sudden urge to run away and leave that wretched school forever. Without looking back I took off running towards the parking lot. The distance to my car seemed endless and the closer I got to my destination the more I felt myself losing my mind. I felt like the world I was in was swirling around me and pulling me into a drain. As I was nearing the parking lot, a truck with psychologists appeared and started following me, trying to keep me from running away. I was filled with the terror that they might lock me up and never ever let me escape so I ran as fast as I could but something held me back. I couldn't breathe well, my legs felt as if someone was holding on to them. The truck was getting very close to me and I began to think I'd never make it... I fell. I was sure then that it was the end. But I was able to pick myself up again and take a short cut throught the garden. I did lose them but not for long, and finally made it to my car. Fumbling around with my keys I tried to open my car door with nervous hands. As I turned on the car and stepped on the accelerator, I noticed a wall in front of me. The steering wheel was locked. The brakes were locked. I was stuck in a car destined for a concrete wall. I lost consciousness and everything went black momentarily. When I woke up I found myself in a hospital bed with doctors and family members standing all around me looking into my eyes. I didn't move or say anything. I knew at that point that I didn't make it. I did not escape and there was no chance I ever would.

When I woke up from the dream I thought about two things: my good friend's words and the moment I woke up in the hospital. I wanted to cry.

Yay a New Journal...

to write my thoughts in. It actually seems quite nice and I probably should have bought a few more of them. Later on I'll get back on the comp and write down that confusing dream I had last night. Right now I'm too lazy to get up from in front of this TV. "Mad TV" is on and it is kind of entertaining.

Um... I thought the Olympics were PHYSICAL competitions. How does poker fit that description? Stupid commercial. You ask why poker cannot be an Olympics event when dancing horses (whatever the official term is for that) is. Poker is not exactly physical except for holding cards and using your facial muscles to make facial expressions. Wow, tiring.

LOL TV is so stupid, Yup, especially at night and especially on regular non-cable, non-satellite channels.

I'll go get back on the comp now.